Do you remember the magical money tree? Our former Prime Minister Theresa May said there were none.
It turns out there is a damn big forest of them.
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Boris, show that you are a courageous and generous Prime Minister and clarify the NHSPhoto credit: PA
Boris Johnson has been shaking her like Billy-O for the past year or two.
And now he’s shaking her again.
The NHS is mortgaged exceptional amounts of Dosh first.
And then there is more money for social care.
We are, of course, the magical money tree.
Boris will fund this extravaganza by increasing National Insurance by a whopping 1.25 percentage points, so we’ll all be paying more to the state.
I have no problem with that at all, although I would prefer that via income tax and a wealth tax.
But quite a few Conservative MPs shout blue murder.
Philip Hammond, for example, the ghostly former chancellor.
He has emerged from his crypt, clinking his chains and complaining to anyone who listens.
The conservatives should be the low-tax party!
What’s happening?
Well, Phil, this is a new conservative party.
With new conservative voters – people in the old squares of the “Red Wall” who rightly think that our state institutions need better funding.
The old rules don’t apply, buddy. And that’s why Labor was left speechless.
They were outflanked on the left. . . again.
I think our public services have been underfunded for too long.
So I’m glad the Prime Minister kind of agrees.
I would really like to see more money spent on transport, infrastructure and business investments.
But that’s a decent start.
Except for one thing. The NHS.
Well, it takes more money.
But it will always take more money.
There’s no amount of dosh that can be hurled into its gaping throat that will ever be enough.
Some NHS bosses are already saying that even this massive cash injection will not be enough.
And that’s because things are going terribly bad between you and me.
We see the NHS as the envy of the world.
It’s really, really not.
It is sliding down the rankings of European health services in terms of efficiency and delivery of top quality medical care
There is good reason to say we should get rid of it completely and start over.
TERRIBLY bureaucratic
But given the Prime Minister’s generosity with our money, here’s what we should do now.
The NHS needs major reform.
Your management is terribly bureaucratic, cumbersome and inefficient.
It spends millions on diversity commissioners when the service is pretty much the most diverse employer imaginable.
There are too many managers and too few doctors and nurses who are underpaid anyway.
If we are to dig into our pockets to strengthen the NHS for the next three years, we need a promise that this funding will go hand in hand with a reorganization of the NHS.
This also includes promoting health insurance for the wealthy to take some of the pressure off the system.
Our expectations have exceeded what the NHS can actually do.
Without reforms, only good money will be thrown after bad.
Our hard-earned wages are being swallowed up and the NHS will always ask for more.
So Boris, show that you are both a courageous and a generous Prime Minister and clear up the NHS.
Or we need another forest of magical money trees.
Walk with Cyber-Scarlett would simulate
THE newest plan to keep the elderly active is to give them robot dogs.
The idea is that cyber dogs will scream to go for a walk in order to train their owners.
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Wouldn’t a robot Scarlett Johansson or Felicity Jones be more effective?Image Credit: Shutterstock
Two points.
First, what’s wrong with real dogs?
Older people will miss the fun of carrying small black bags.
Second, wouldn’t a Scarlett Johansson or Felicity Jones robot be more effective?
“Do you want to lose some calories, big boy?”
Cruel eradication of a crime
JUST the government signs licenses to slaughter another 60,000 badgers.
This is despite the fact that there is very little evidence that the mass killing had any effect on bovine TB in cattle.
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The government signs licenses to allow an additional 60,000 badgers to be slaughteredCredit: Alamy
The government is doing it – stubborn and stupid – because that’s what the farmers want.
So by Christmas a total of 200,000 badgers will have been killed in the last eight years.
It’s a shocking statistic, a crime. And completely unnecessary.
In the meantime, an autopsy was carried out on the alpaca Geronimo, which was killed because there was suspicion of bovine TB.
The best government scientists can tell is that “TB-like lesions” have been found and more testing is needed.
Environment minister George “Useless” Eustice deployed 25 police officers to ensure that Geronimo could be dragged from his farm and murdered.
Surely it is time Boris Johnson apologized for unnecessarily killing an innocent animal.
And then he dismissed Eustice.
Office is over
CERTAIN companies are threatening to cut the wages of people who continue to work from home.
This is so stupid and short-sighted that I hardly know where to start.
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The more people who work from home, the happier the country will bePhoto credit: Getty
Working from home is environmentally friendly and there is no need to commute.
It means a better life for the worker.
It also means companies can save their rent by downsizing their offices and freeing up space – possibly to solve the country’s housing problem.
If there are problems getting homeworkers to do the things they are supposed to do, put together a program that is right for them.
The more people who work from home, the happier the country will be.
Hilary weeping wolf
THE author of boring historical novels, Hilary Mantel is ashamed of Britain and intends to move to Ireland.
The Wolf Hall author doesn’t like the fact that we elected a Conservative government.
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The author of boring historical novels Hilary Mantel is ashamed of Britain and intends to move to IrelandPhoto credit: Rex
She also complained about Brexit.
She said she was moving to be “European” again.
Britain is in Europe, you fancy dingbat.
However, if you read between the lines, it doesn’t seem like she hates Britain.
It’s democracy.
That’s probably why she likes the European Union.
Still, I don’t know what the poor old Irish did to deserve them.
Leaves a big gap
LONDON Underground could soon get rid of one of the greatest pleasures of tube travel – the fruity voice announcing, “Maynde the gap!”
They improve safety when boarding and disembarking trains so that the voice may no longer be needed.
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London Underground could soon get rid of one of the greatest pleasures of underground travel – the fruity voice that proclaims, “Maynde the gap!”Photo credit: PA
A shame. I will miss it.
I hope they don’t update everything.
Some American friends of mine love the “Way Out” signs. They puff away with laughter.
“Way out! Damn it, dude!”
And I would miss the sign “Dogs must be taken on the escalators”.
What if you don’t have one? Do you have to use the stairs?
World first
EL SALVADOR has just become the first country in the world to recognize Bitcoin as legal tender.
In most of the rest of Latin America, cocaine is legal tender.
El Salvador is one of the most murderous countries in the world and is known for being just a little bit corrupt.
Let’s see how they cope with the chaos of Bitcoin
You have a bright young president.
And he’s probably the only guy in the country who knows how Bitcoin works.
Spicy noodles
A NEW poll shows Italy is the country in the world where couples are most likely to use food when making love.
No surprise really. It’s quite a nice kitchen, Italian, isn’t it?
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A new poll shows Italy is the country in the world where couples are most likely to use food while making lovePhoto credit: Getty
We would never be, would we?
Our food lacks a certain romance.
“Come on, darling. Let’s retire to the bedroom. I bought two Scottish eggs and a pork chop from Aldi this morning. “
Just say: ‘Naaaaaayyyy’
An Arizona woman was arrested for using the Craigslist website to find a horse for a piece of handkerchief.
Well I say mrs. The person’s real name was Donald Waelde, but he said he identified himself as a nice lady.
OK, maybe not a nice lady.
Donald said he wanted to have a “sex act” with the horse.
But the cops caught him / her before he could make Dobbin a happy animal.
If you ever feel the urge to gnaw a horse a bit, just say, “Naaaaaayyyy.”
Boris Johnson makes a statement on NHS funding and welfare in the Commons
